


Running

by zeroselfcontrol



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, But only a little, Cuddling & Snuggling, Drinking to Cope, Drug Use, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing without consent, M/M, Panic Attacks, Robbe is 19 but acts like S3 Robbe, Sander has a nose piercing, Sander is 21, Self-Destruction, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, Vomiting, but is actually a cutie, flatmates, meet my lovely OC Louise, they all go to university
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-02-22 09:49:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22714123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zeroselfcontrol/pseuds/zeroselfcontrol
Summary: -- ON HOLD, sorry --After Zoe moved out to study in Brugge, Robbe and Milan need a new flatmate. This turns out to be a white-haired boy named Sander who is the most beautiful creature Robbe has ever layed eyes on. Unfortunately, Robbe isn't really out and his self-destructive habits don't help either.Or: Flatmate AU where Robbe falls for Sander but doesn't know how to deal with it or himself.
Relationships: Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Comments: 40
Kudos: 205





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Milky Chance's beautiful song 'Running'

Robbe is at home in his flat and cooking dinner. He promised Milan earlier to prepare something to eat for tonight since it would be the first evening with their new flatmate. One month ago, Zoe, their former flatmate, had moved out in order to start university (and to avoid her ex-boyfriend Senne, but pshht) in Brugge. Of course, they all have been sad about her departure, but it simply was necessary for her. Either way they had to find a substitute, rent just doesn’t pay itself, sadly. Milan has taken care of that and found someone new. Robbe on the other hand has yet to meet the newest member of their small family, because when they applied for the room and soon after moved their furniture in, Robbe has been on a short trip with his Mama. He liked thinking about the time he spent with her on the seaside, it was a much-needed bonding experience. Since the time she had admitted herself into a mental institution when he was sixteen, they haven’t been living together. At one point they wanted to move back into their old home together, but before that could have happened, they had talked it through and mother and son had decided it was best for them both to keep things as they were. They both needed stability in their lives which they simply could not provide for each other. 

Right now, Robbe is wondering who the new flatmate might be. He knows nothing about them, not even if it is a boy or a girl, he will be sharing the bathroom with. The only fact he has come to know is that the person must have a thing for David Bowie, since Robbe has already sneaked into their room once. There isn’t much in there, except for a bed, desk, wardrobe and two Bowie posters. 

Robbe sighs looking at the recipe again. He’s making lasagne, just now being done with cooking the sauces. While he layers pasta, tomato sauce, cheese and bechamel sauce, he hopes the new flatmate doesn’t have any allergies. He was thoughtful enough to make a vegetarian version of lasagne, but if they couldn’t eat pasta or cheese it would be a shame. 

*

One hour later, Robbe and Milan chat animatedly about their day while they wait for the boy to arrive with his belongings. Right, Milan has finally told him that it is a boy. Apparently, his name is Sander and he’s 21 years old, two years older than Robbe himself. 

“… and he is so pretty, you have no idea. It’s such a shame that one-night stands with flatmates usually don’t work well, otherwise I’d charm him into my bed in a second”, Milan says dreamily. “Good for you though that he’s not a girl. You won’t have a problem keeping your hands to yourself. But you absolutely have to tell me if you find him hot!”

Robbe lets out a small chuckle. It’s funny how Milan acts as if he’s a lonely wolf, always on the hunt for a new man to bang, when in reality he didn’t do that in months and is still friends with some of his grindr dates. “I’ll let you know if he’s in your league”, he agrees grinning and wonders if Sander is in Robbe’s league as well.

Milan snorts, right when the bell rings. Hastily, he jumps up to open the door for the boy. In the meantime, Robbe pulls the lasagne out of the oven and puts it in the middle of the set table. 

“Just come into the kitchen, you can put your stuff away later”, Robbe hears Milan saying in the hallway. 

When they enter the room, Robbe quickly fills their glasses with white wine (which was Milan’s idea, obviously). He doesn’t really dare to look up though. Milan doesn’t know that Robbe swings the same way as him, he still hasn’t had the guts to come out to him. So, hearing that his flatmate is enchanted by this new boy’s beauty makes Robbe’s stomach churn. Though he shouldn’t be worried, since Milan prefers literal men with facial hair and all, while Robbe is more into pretty faces and lean bodies. In conclusion he can say that if Milan declares the boy hot, he probably isn’t Robbe’s type.

But oh well, every once in a while, you are at fault. And right now, he certainly is exactly that. Robbe nearly chokes on his whine, when he catches eye of the white-blonde young man with caramel skin, that saunters into their kitchen. Behind him, Milan is grinning like a proud puppy owner, but Robbe doesn’t have time for that. Instead, he lets his eyes scan Sander as low-key as possible. His light hair is swept to the side, but not in a styled way. It looks more like a sexy out-of-bed-but-gorgeous look. His roots are as dark as his eyebrows and eyelashes, just like his clothing. Sander is wearing a dark grey jumper, black skinny jeans – deliciously skinny – and black doc martens. Robbe has to swallow at the sight of his new flatmate, who really is incredibly good looking. When he looks up at his face again, he detects something shiny. In his left nostril, Sander is wearing a silver ring, making his nose look even more delicate. Robbe thinks he’s fucked. 

Regaining composure, Robbe smiles and extends his hand in a greeting manner. “Hey, I’m Robbe. Nice to meet you.”

The other boy’s slightly tensed face relaxes when he shakes Robbe’s hand. “Sander.”

“Funny how Milan has again recruited a platin blonde flatmate”, Robbe snorts.

That seems to loosen up the situation, because Sander starts chuckling airily. “You know, that was his only condition. I had to dye it in order to get the room.”

“Okay okay, stop that now”, Milan intervenes. “Who’s hungry? I certainly am.”

The evening runs smoothly. Sander politely declines the whine, because apparently he doesn’t drink often but praises Robbe for his lasagne skills at least a hundred times. They make easy small talk, even though Sander doesn’t reveal too much about himself. Instead he keeps asking about Robbe’s and Milan’s hobbies, university, their friends and whatever seems to come to his mind. 

“I think I need to call it a day. I still have to put my stuff away and I have work tomorrow”, Sander says in an apologetic manner. 

“Where do you work?”, Milan asks, standing up and putting the dishes away. 

“Just at a café. My parents support my studies at the art academy, but I still need to make some money by myself too.”

They agree, both having part time jobs as well.

“Thanks for the food”, Sander says to Robbe. They keep looking at each other for a second longer than necessary and Robbe can detect how tired his new flatmate looks now. 

“No worries. If you need anything, you know where to find us.”

They all say good night and after working out a bathroom schedule for now, Robbe finds himself sitting on his bed, phone in hand. There is no point in denying that he is absolutely whipped. He sighs and clicks on Jens’ contact. Jens is his best friend and first crush. Apart from that he is also the first and only person Robbe has come out to and right now he is more thankful about it than ever. Admittedly, Robbe came out via text, when Jens has already been living in Utrecht, to avoid having a panic attack right in front of him but it turned out it didn’t matter since he had one anyway. But apart from Robbes fears, Jens had reacted well (or rather not at all, because he ‘doesn’t give a shit about the sexuality of his best mate’) and Robbe is glad to have him as a confidant.

@Jens  
Bro, I’m fucked. I just met our new flatmate and he’s the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen

From Jens  
What?? Even more handsome than I am, that’s impossible

@Jens  
Thought so too until today  
Jens, what do I dooo?

From Jens  
Does he even like boys?  
Just wrap him around your finger, I know you’re good at that  
You little foxxx

@Jens  
I don’t know… And I can’t do that, Milan doesn’t like the idea of being with flatmates

From Jens  
But if he’s the love of your life? I’d say risk it  
Maybe just befriend the guy and see where it goes

@Jens  
Maybe  
But Jeeeens?

From Jens  
Hmm

@Jens  
He’s got a nose piercing  
It’s so hot  
Ughhh

From Jens  
Hahaha I didn’t know that turns you on

@Jens  
;)

*

The next morning, Robbe feels not well rested at all. But he has to get up anyway. It’s Friday and he has only one class from 8 to 10 am which at least is a plus. He quickly gets ready and leaves the flat in a hurry as always. 

Only when he’s at university, he realises he didn’t see Sander this morning. He probably left before him to get to work. 

“Hey, what’s up?”

Robbe looks up to meet Yasmina’s smiling face.

“Nothing much. You?”

Yasmina just shrugs and tells Robbe about the chapter she has prepared for today which Robbe didn’t bother to read. After all he studies sports engineering. The environmental awareness lecture he finds himself at now doesn’t require anything else than his presence to pass. 

“You know it wouldn’t hurt being a bit more attentive, even if it’s not your main subject”, Yasmina scolds him but there’s no real intend behind it. They both know well enough that they’re different types of students, somehow working well together nevertheless. 

“Zoe said your new flatmate should arrive anytime now”, she asks then, while they wait for their professor.

“Oh, he already has. Sander moved in yesterday.”

“And you only tell me about it now?!”

“I didn’t think it’s important”, Robbe shrugs and Yasmina only huffs out an amused breath. 

* 

When Robbe gets home after buying some groceries and putting them away, he immediately moves to his bed and buries himself under the blanket. He’s always pretty knackered on Fridays because of the stressful week that lays behind him. He’s used to living on his own after doing that for three years now, but having to study for university is different from doing simple school work. And it wears him out. Not just physically but even more mentally. Robbe completed his therapy sessions when he turned seventeen and since then he never stepped into the office of his therapist again. He knows that it might be good for him but he simply cannot bring himself to pick up the phone and ask for help again. Robbe has accepted the situation with his Mama, but he’s aware he’s still holding a grudge against his father. He should be fine. He is fine. It’s just that he knows he is not. He could start crying right then and there when he thinks about how his father walked out on him and his Mama. He feels like a failure.

Not wanting to go down that lane and risk to spiral into the darkest corners of his mind, he stands up, wipes at a few angry stray tears and walks into the kitchen. Just when he enters, he’s surprised by the noise of the kettle on the stove. What surprises him even more though is the presence of a certain platin blonde boy, who’s sitting at the table and flips though a sketchbook. 

“Oh hey! I didn’t hear you coming home”, Sander smiles. “Do you want a tea as well? I think I made enough water.”

“Sure”, Robbe answers. It’s weird to see Sander in light gray sweats and a huge baby blue jumper instead of his cool, all black attire from yesterday. 

“Are you okay?”, the blonde asks hesitantly, as if to test out how comfortable they are with each other. 

“Yeah, sure”, Robbe repeats and wipes his open palms over his face in exhaustion. “Have you seen Milan today?”

“Yeah, he just left an hour ago. He’s going to work and wants to meet some friends right after.”

Robbe nods and puts a tea bag in his cup, Sander’s being prepared already. Then he fills both cups with boiling water and moves to sit in front of Sander. 

“What are you doing tonight? Going out?”, Robbe breaks the silence, trying to make small talk. He needs to distract his mind from the darker thoughts that consumed him earlier. 

“Actually yes”, Sander answers, not seeming to be too happy about it. “A friend of my ex-girlfriend throws a party and we’re friends too, kind of.”

“Sounds cool”, Robbe replies and tries to not let his disappointment show. He really has hoped he could spend the evening with Sander and get to know him better. Well, screw that. He’s disappointed because he just heard the word girlfriend. He’s not dumb, he knows there are pan- and bisexual people but for now his hopes and dreams are crushed. But he doesn’t dare to lift them up again by wishing for the unlikeliness of Sander being into boys too.

“You can tag along, if you want to? It’s just a party, nothing too fancy.”

At this Robbe feels his lips turn into a hesitant smile but declines politely, not wanting to bother the other boy. “No thanks, it’s alright. I’ll just chill at home.”

“Your loss”, Sander shrugs and smirks. “I heard they have a good offer on weed.”

“Maybe I need to think about it again, then”, Robbe answers. He looks up at Sander’s face and even though he seems to be just as tired as yesterday, the green in his eyes is even more prominent. Maybe that’s the doing of the light blue sweater he’s wearing, Robbe thinks. God, why does he have to be so gorgeous.

“Sure thing. Let me know until 9pm. I’ll be in my room now. I have to finish some stuff for the academy”

Sander gets up and puts his cup in the sink. He then grabs his sketchbook and pencil from the table and leaves the kitchen at a slow pace. Robbe can’t help but stare. Sander doesn’t have necessarily broad shoulders, but they’re just so defined. And the way the skin of his neck looks against the colour of the hoodie, makes Sander look so golden. Robbe’s eyes wander further down Sander’s back, stopping on his ass. Even though the sweats he’s wearing aren’t really skinny, Robbe can make out the narrow hips and the swell of Sander’s bum. Apart from that, he has really slim and sexy legs too. Guiltily, Robbe shakes his head and moves in the direction of his own room. Passing Sander’s door, he catches one last glimpse of the golden boy with silver hair (and silver nose ring). 

Robbe already knows he can’t turn down the offer to join him tonight.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robbe and Sander go to that party. Minor drama ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Descriptions of vomiting. One sentence is about non-voluntary sex (that doesn't happen though). Also, they drink alcohol. Stay safe!

Just as predicted, Robbe joins Sander and goes with him to the party. He simply has to. Turning down his gorgeous flatmate is something he’s not going to do.

Together, they’re making their way to the party which fortunately takes place in a flat not too far from where their flatshare is. As Robbe is walking besides Sander he can already feel the alcohol flooding his system. It does not exactly make it difficult to walk, instead making him aware of the necessity to put one foot in front of the other. It’s the state right before you can’t assume your alcohol level anymore. Robbe’s had three beer in the flat and it’s been a while since he drank the last time, okay?  
Sander, on the contrary, seems to be completely unaffected. But who is Robbe to judge Sander’s level of drunkenness? For all he knows, he himself could look quite sober too. Earlier, the blond boy has told him that he is going to make an exception tonight. Normally, he doesn’t drink, but the special occasion of going to the first party with your new flatmate apparently is enough to change his own rules.

“I hope the party doesn’t disappoint. I might not know that many people though”, Sander grumbles into the early night air.

“Every party disappoints in a way, don’t you think?”, Robbe returns. Shit, he thinks, he should keep his deep thoughts to himself tonight. Sander wants a good time. He didn’t sign up for some sad drunken boy talking bullshit. So, he adds a little belatedly, “let’s just make the best of tonight!”

While they continue to walk next to each other, Robbe risks a few glances at the older boy. It’s funny, he thinks. On one hand, Sander seems to be cute and goofy, trying to make other people laugh, cheer them up. With the pastel coloured clothes, he wears at home and the bright blonde hair, Robbe gets the impression of a young and carefree boy. On the other hand, the blonde has the posture, facial features and a way to talk about things that make him appear much older. Somehow, especially now at night, he carries a heavy seriousness with him. He seems wise and reckless at the same time. Robbe doesn’t know how he comes to this conclusion, hell, he only knows the boy for one day! It’s just him being ridiculous, Robbe tells himself. 

“I think we’re here”, Sander interrupts Robbes thoughts by pointing at a balcony above them. They can hear muffled music playing inside, while on the balcony people’s voices are filled with excitement. Somewhere a glass is breaking which causes the party goers to erupt first into screams, then laughter.

“Yep, this seems to be it”, Robbe agrees and looks in Sander’s direction. The boy is wearing his typical black skinnies and docs. But instead of the signature leather jacket, the blonde has thrown a caramel coloured jumper over his black band tee. Sander looks beautiful tonight, Robbe thinks.

*

An hour later Robbe finds himself on the balcony with a lit blunt in one hand and a bottle of beer in the other. He’s enjoying the night, having snatched a seat on the worn-out couch which is standing in the far corner. The hosts probably moved it from the kitchen to make room inside. Inhaling the weed, he feels quite content. The party isn’t that packed, just the right amount of people for a flat party. Also, the people seem to be nice, not as obnoxious as drunk men and women behave in clubs. Just some chilled out dudes and chicks that are enjoying a Friday night, free from university obligations. 

Robbe keeps watching the groups of people that are chatting, smoking. It’s getting crowded out here, he thinks. But it doesn’t concern him, he’s got his place on the couch with the person next to him texting continuously on the phone. Robbe likes observing. And he likes that he’s not as insecure anymore as he was in school, even though there’s still room for improvement.

Sander must be somewhere greeting the few people he knows. He asked Robbe to come along but Robbe has had no intend on meeting them. He may be a bit more confident but not that much. He knows though, if he wants to pursue any kind of relationship with Sander, he needs to at least try to appear interested in his life, but right now he just can’t bring himself to do it. Maybe another time. He’d rather stay with his weed and beer and not feel inferior beside the beautiful white-haired boy.

In exact this moment said guy decides to step out on the balcony. Sander’s got a blunt between his left index and middle finger and seems to be looking for something. Once his eyes settle on Robbe, the brunette understands it’s him, he has been looking for. In an attempt to be civilized and nice, he smiles and nods in a greeting manner. Sander nods back, just before turning around. Then, he encourages a person behind him to follow him. Robbe keeps his eyes on Sander the whole time, who looks stunning in this kind of dim lighting, striding towards him. Lights from inside the flat reflect on his nose, cheek and chin. His nose ring seems to be white tonight. Robbe thinks, this might be the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.

“Robbe?”, he suddenly hears an incredulous voice. He can’t pinpoint who it belongs to, even though it sounds familiar.

“You two know each other?” Robbe watches Sander’s face twist in confusion before Robbe dares to look at the other person, a sudden feeling of nausea overcoming him.

“Hey”, he says carefully. “How have you been?”

Robbe swallows, watching Noor cautiously. She looks almost exactly like she did three years ago. She has the same fringe, still sporting a septum and a similar style in general. The only obvious change is the amount of skin now covered in tattoos. Robbe can see ink swirling up until right under her chin. She looks very pretty. But also intimidating. He has to swallow again. What were the odds that his fucking ex-girlfriend was here?

“Good. Very good, actually”, she smiles easily. He can sense she’s taken by surprise, but she hides it well. “What about you?”

“I’m fine, thank you.”

“Do you mind explaining?”, Sander urges, switching between looking at Robbe and Noor. He seems amused but also a bit insecure.

“Sander, meet Robbe. He’s an ex”

Wow.  
Robbe can’t say that the relationship with Noor brought him great joy. It might even have been one of the most horrible months in his life. Not just because of her, but because of the situation with his mom, his dad, Jens and most of all with himself. He’s not going to lie, hearing he is ‘an ex’ hurts. One out of many, nothing special. He’s used to feeling that way, but it doesn’t mean hearing it out loud doesn’t hurt. At the same time, he knows, they crushed their self-esteem equally. Something he’ll forever be sorry for.

“What? Really?”, Sander laughs askance. “How do I not know about that?”

The question is directed to Noor, obviously, since Robbe and Sander don’t really know each other yet.

“Well, first of all I didn’t know you back then. We were… sixteen when we had that thing. And secondly, how long did we last? Robbe? Two weeks maybe?”

“I think it were five.”

“Right”, Noor nods. “Whatever, it’s not relevant. We weren’t a good match at all and that’s that. All said and done, I guess. Does anyone want something to drink? I do. I’ll be quick.” And in the next moment, Noor turns around and vanishes by meandering through the guests.

Robbe feels nauseous again. He didn’t mean to hurt her back then, but the past five minutes remind him that he did hurt her. He feels so ashamed for everything that had happened.

“Uhh, I think I should go after Noor”, Sander breaks Robbe’s train of thought carefully. “See you later, don’t leave without me!” And then he’s gone too.

Great, Robbe thinks, and swallows the last bit of his beer.

*

A few hours later, Robbe is shit-faced. He’s still lounging on the sofa but he can’t see clear anymore. People move funnily and when they talk, he doesn’t know if it’s directed to him. Did someone spill their drink on him? Well, Robbe wouldn’t know. Everything’s a blur.

Suddenly, he hears that laugh again. The laugh of his pretty, dark-haired ex-girlfriend. Even the sound makes him nauseous. It reminds him of times, when he pretended to like the dates they went to, to like her. Hearing her laugh brings back the memories of that one specific party. They wanted to do it. To finally have sex. He chickened out. He couldn’t explain. It was his fault and she blamed herself. He ended things. That party had been a nightmare.

The recurring sickness hits him like a truck. Robbe stands up, swaying slightly. Or maybe a bit more than just slightly. He has to hold onto the railing of the balcony. For a moment, he considers vomiting down onto the street, but he’s too nice to do that, even when drunk. So, he makes his way through people as fast as possible. 

When he arrives at the bathroom, it’s miraculously empty, thank god.

Robbe enters, locks the door behind him and vomits down the toilet. 

He throws up until he’s dry heaving. Cold sweat runs down his forehead, his neck, his temples. Fuck, he feels god-awful. 

Normally, he would call Jens now, ask him to take him home. But Jens is not here. Robbe feels like crap. 

Carefully, he stands and flushes the toilet. Then he slowly goes to the sink and splashes water on his face and to sober him up a bit, he also takes a few gulps of water. He decides to leave. He only needs to walk through the door and then he can be miserable on his walk home. 

When he starts to walk to the door, he feels like blacking out.

He has to sit down, fuck.

The room is spinning. 

Robbe closes his eyes but it’s even worse, so he keeps them open. Fixating the shower curtain. There are Indian ornaments printed on the curtain. It’s a bit ugly, he thinks.

“Robbe?”, someone calls. “Robbe, are you still in there?” It’s a girl’s voice. Noor.

“Other people need to use the bathroom too, you know.”

“Uhh-uh”, is the only sound he can make, otherwise he’ll vomit again, he thinks.

“Robbe? Are you okay?” It’s a deeper voice now. A calm humming.

“Yeahh, s’all okay. ‘m fine. Jus’tired”, Robbe mumbles.

“Can you open the door for me?”

Robbe nods, raises his hand and turns the lock. The next thing he sees is Sander crouching down in front of him. “Oh god, you’re absolutely waisted”, he states matter-of-factly. Robbe turns away and throws up again, right next to him and on the white bathroom tiles. 

“Sander… ‘m sosorry. ’s spinning and’m sick. Why do I feel so…bad?”

“It’s okay. Can you stand up?”, Sander asks. “Hey, hey! Don’t close your eyes!”

“Here”, Robbe then hears her voice again. He feels a cold and wet cloth on his forehead. “I’ve talked to Neels. He doesn’t drink, he can drive you home.”

Robbe thinks he says thank you, but it might just have been his imagination. He’s never going to drink again.

*

When Robbe hears voices again, he snaps out of his trance. He opens his eyes and spots bright blond hair again. “I love your hair. ‘s nice.”

“Thanks.”

“Robbe, do you need to throw up again?” This time it’s another voice. Oh. It’s Milan’s. 

Robbe feels a wave of remorse and shame rolling over him. His eyes start to water. 

“M’lan, ‘m sorry. I didn’t mean to, I just… there was Noor and I. Oh god”, Robbe starts full on crying now. He hears someone getting up and leaving, probably Sander. He doesn’t want him to leave. But he can’t make him stay either. He can’t make anybody stay, not even his parents.

“Let’s get you in bed”, Milan mumbles sympathetically and lifts Robbe up like a bride. His head lulls to the side. He immediately starts to drift off into sleep. 

“Should I stay with him?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's funny, because I simply forgot that this story exists. I don't even remember writing the first chapter or the plotline. Anyway, I hope you enjoy! Please let me know what you think:) Since English isn't my first language, I'd be happy if you'd point out major mistakes too. Thank you and happy easter!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robbe is hungover, calls a friend and helps another friend. That's it.

Robbe feels terrible. He can’t sleep anymore even though he feels as if a truck had run him over about a dozen times. Also, his mouth tastes like shit. Did something die in there?

Lying under the covers, he ponders about last night. He remembers going to a party with Sander, his new, handsome flatmate, drinking and smoking a bit, nothing out of the ordinary – oh. Now he remembers. It was Noor’s party. Noor as in his ex-girlfriend Noor. Noor Bauwens. No wonder did he drink like a maniac. Robbe rubs his open palms over his tired face and detects remnants of last nights sleep. When he feels the crusts in his eyelashes, shame rolls over him again. He’d been crying. He’s such a weak loser. Oh god, what does Sander think of him now? Beautiful, cool and nice Sander. Thankfully, Sander doesn’t know that Robbe’s tie to alcohol resembles a toxic on and off relationship.

Robbe shakes his head in an attempt to get rid of his thoughts. Then he gets up, uses the bathroom and showers. 

Now that he’s clean again, he feels a lot better. Dressed in sweats and a khaki sweatshirt, Robbe shuffles into the kitchen.

“Morning”, sounds Sander’s voice from the small table in the back of the kitchen. Again, he wears the baby blue sweater hovering over his sketchbook. “Do you feel better?” He looks up.

“Morning”, Robbe mumbles. “I guess so.” Then he adds shyly, “I hope I didn’t destroy your whole night. I didn’t mean to get this drunk. It probably was the combination with the weed.”

“It happens, don’t worry. I made coffee; you want some?”

Robbe nods and pours himself a cup, before joining Sander on the table. It’s not like he wants to join him, he still feels a bit sick and very awkward too. But he guesses that fleeing and locking himself into his room wouldn’t be any better. It’s his new flatmate after all.

“Have you seen Milan?”, Robbe asks the same question as yesterday.

“Yeah, he’s gone to the bakery. He shouldn’t be long”, Sander replies and suddenly stops sketching. “Listen Robbe, don’t worry about yesterday. Had I known Noor is your ex-girlfriend I would have given you a heads up. No need for you to feel bad about what happened. At least you didn’t puke on my shoes, right?”

Robbe nods, feeling a tad bit relieved. Then he gets up again and grabs his coffee. When he’s about to leave the room, he hears Sander picking up the conversation. “It’s strange to imagine you and Noor not getting along. She’s such a nice and laid-back person and from what I’ve seen you are too. We don’t have to talk about it, obviously, I’m just curious. Yesterday, before I’ve found you on the balcony, I thought you and Noor could be great friends. Maybe we can meet up again some time? I’m sure it wouldn’t be too awkward.”

Somehow, Robbe is glad that Sander doesn’t seem to connect the dots between him meeting Noor and drinking himself to oblivion. “She’s nice girl, I know. But, Sander, you don’t know me that well. Because I am not. Nice, I mean. I fucked up and Noor hates me.” Adding a self-deprecating smile, Robbe looks in Sander’s general direction, before leaving the kitchen and stepping into the hall. 

Just when he’s about to re-enter his own room, he hears Milan opening the front door. There’s some more noise, before him and Sander engage in conversation.

“Is Robbe awake yet?”

“Yes, he just went back to his room, I think.”

“Is he any better?”

“I guess. But he seems quite… down? I’m not sure, I don’t know him that well.”

“He probably is. He’s always very silent and moody after excessive drinking.”

“Always? Does this happen regularly? I thought yesterday was a slip-up…”

“He’s been getting better”, Milan sighs, “but I guess meeting Noor threw him off the track.”

“Hmm”

“Anyways, I brought croissants!”

Robbe closes the door behind him quietly. He can already feel tears prickling in the corner of his eyes. Fuck! He’s not Sander’s problem, he doesn’t need the pretty boy to worry about him. Angry with himself, Robbe falls onto his bed. Sander shouldn’t have to deal with Robbe’s antics.

“Gaaaahhh”. Screaming into his pillow always helps. Or at least it’s what he tells himself.

Having no intention to wallow in self-pity any longer, Robbe stands up again and fixes his hair. He looks terrible. Pale face, dark circles under his eyes and generally fidgety. Great. Sander must think he’s a dumb and sad teen who’s addicted to alcohol and now he can’t even look decently.

Without acknowledging his two flatmates, Robbe puts on his shoes and leaves the flat. He likes listening to music to come down and with his massive hangover he might as well get a bit of fresh air. 

Automatically, his feet choose the way to the park he always went to in his teenage years. Even though much shit went down during that time of his life, Robbe still likes thinking back to his skating meet-ups with Jens and later on also Aaron and Moyo. The last two have never been his closest friends, however he’s still very fond of them. But without Jens bringing all four together on a regular basis, Robbe doesn’t see them often anymore. 

Thinking about Jens, Robbe feels his heart contracting. He misses his best friend. Without further ado, he chooses a spot to sit near the waterfront, pauses his music and rings Jens.

“Robbe!”, Jens shouts excitedly, Robbe even has to move the phone away from his ear, that’s how loud Jens is calling.

“Hey! Are you busy right now?”

“No, not really. I’ll meet up with a few friends later, but that’s still got time. How are you, dude?”

Robbe can’t deny that hearing Jens’ voice makes him sentimental. He’s grateful to have Jens as a friend, even if it’s not always been all puppies and kittens. “I’m fine, just hungover. What about you?”

At first, Jens talks about uni and the shit going on with his landlord, before he engages in another topic. “… it’s kind of funny when you think about it. I’ve been living here in Utrecht for half a year and only now do I meet the coolest gang ever! There’s this guy called Kes, he’s so chilled and cool. I mean I like the people I’ve met before too, obviously, but with Kes it just clicks.”

“I’m so happy for you!”, Robbe calls out. Jens had struggled in the beginning with leaving the country, his sister, Jana behind. But apparently this new group of friends seems to be the jackpot. “Who are the others, beside Kes?”

“One is called Jayden, he’s not the smartest but a very funny guy. And then there’s Lucas. You’d like him, he’s a bit calmer, not that outgoing. He reminds me of you actually, maybe that’s why I like him so much.”

“Aww”, Robbe smiles into the phone and replies on a more serious note, “I miss you, Jens.”

“Me too.” Robbe can hear Jens swallow. “Robbe?”

“Yeah?”

“What’s going on? I know you, you’re not well, aren’t you?”

Robbe shrugs even though he knows that Jens can’t see him. It’s why he called in the first place, to tell Jens about yesterday. At the same time, he contemplates just hanging up.

“Robbe”, Jens pries.

Robbe decides to just tell him, no beating around the bush. “I met Noor yesterday.”

There is no sound on the other end of the phone call until, “fuck!”

“Yes, fuck. Sander took me to a party. At some point he wanted me to meet someone, who turned out to be Noor. Logically, we knew each other already. Then she fled and he followed her, because they’re friends. Next thing I remember is me puking my guts out in the bathroom. In summary: great night!”, Robbe concludes sarcastically.

“Oh Robbe”, Jens sighs. “I’m sorry about that. Was it really that awkward meeting her?”

“Not really, but I don’t feel good being reminded of her and of that time.”

“Have you ever talked to her after you broke up?”

“No.”

“How did you get home?”

“Sander, I guess. I can’t remember much. I was so waisted, Jens. I don’t know, he has to think I’m some dumb teenager. He’s 21! Sander surely doesn’t like me anymore now. Not that he has before.”

“Calm down, bro. I’m sure it isn’t that bad. I mean, at least he took you home, right? And it’s been a while since you completely crashed due to alcohol. I would have done the same had I suddenly met someone like Britt again. It’s okay.”

Robbe is glad, Jens is there to comfort him, even though he doesn’t believe in his words. He’s also relieved that he didn’t see Milan today. Robbe doesn’t want to see his disappointed face. He tells Jens just that.

“I’m sure Milan isn’t disappointed, just worried, man”, Jens reassures. 

“But he had to take care of me again! He must be sick of me by now. I’m a failure, Jens.”

“You are not! And besides, it was Sander who took care of you yesterday. Isn’t that something?”

“Noo”, Robbe whines. “That’s even worse!”

“Hmm”, Jens seems to be thinking. “Do you still find him attractive?”

“Of course! He’s so beautiful it’s unreal.”

“Was he weird today?”, Jens asks.

“… No, I don’t think so.”

“See? Everything’s fine. Just don’t make a habit of getting drunk out of your mind.”

“Yeah, sure.” Jens might be right, but Robbe isn’t sure. There’s still shame flowing though his system.

“I need to go now, meet the boys”, Jens mumbles and Robbe can hear some noise on the other end. “Bye, Robbe!”

“Bye! And don’t have too much fun without me.”

“Never!”

*

Robbe lies in his bed thinking about last night again and again and again. It’s like his brain is out of order. A broken vinyl. His mind circles from Noor back then to Noor yesterday to Sander to his mama to everything he did to everything he did not do. It’s exhausting. He thought life will be better once his mum is on the right medicaments, and in a way it did get better. But his mama feeling better didn’t change the way he feels about himself. And most of all it didn’t change the way he feels about boys instead of girls. Robbe still doesn’t know much about Sander but he’s sure he’s crushing on him like he never has before. Liking Jens had been taking comfort in the familiar, liking Sander however is wandering unknown territory, being adventurous in a way.

A sudden knock rips Robbe from his thoughts. He’s already annoyed. Who the fuck has the audacity to bother him on a Saturday evening?

“Robbe?”

It’s Sander’s voice, Robbe recognizes. He didn’t call too loud, as if trying not to wake him. Good thing, Robbe’s awake.

“Come in.”

Sander steps into Robbe’s room and looks around. He’s wearing comfortable looking blue jeans and a white hoodie. Despite looking tired, Sander’s exceptionally beautiful. Robbe hates himself for being so superficial, but hey, it’s the truth.

“What did you want?”, Robbe asks sitting up.

“Uh, I went to the hardware store and got some stuff to set up a shelf. I need a hand and thought you could help me? If you’re not busy?”

*

Half an hour later, Sander happily sorts out his vinyl collection to put on his new shelf. Setting it up had been a surprisingly calming task. Robbe and Sander worked well together. They got to know each other better and Sander kept himself from asking more questions about Noor, something Robbe was very thankful for.

*

“What kind of art is your favourite?”, Robbe asks intrigued.

“That’s a hard one”, Sander replies rubbing his chin. His hair is a bit tousled now, which makes him look even cuter than normal. Robbe concentrates on keeping his distance. “I really like photography and sketching but drawing with oil paint makes me the happiest, I guess. It’s just… it can be all messy and unintentional and still look good in the end. I love the colours, the chaos.”

*

Later in the evening they choose to cook pasta together and when Milan comes home to join their dinner it’s as if the night before didn’t happen. Robbe feels optimistic about the flatshare. Maybe he’ll need to push down his increasing crush on Sander, but as long as they all get along well, Robbe is more than content.

*

Robbe is in his room again and just about to go to sleep, when there’s a knock again. 

“Sorry, it’s me again, Sander!”

“Come in.” What could Sander possibly want now?

“Hey, sorry to bother you again”, Sander rambles smiling and walks around Robbe’s bed. “I must have forgotten my phone charger when I – aah, there it is.”

“Your wha-? Why?”, Robbe is confused. Does Sander not have any plug sockets in his room?

“I think I forgot to take it with me this morning”, Sander tries to explain. “Whatever, I’ll leave you be. Good night!”

“Sander, wait! I don’t get it”, Robbe laughs awkwardly.

“Oh, sorry. Well, when I woke up today, I took all my stuff back to my room, but apparently I forgot my charger”, Sander unhelpfully raises his hand with the white charger.

“You slept in my room?” What the fuck? Whatthefuck? What. The. Fuck?

“Yeah, to make sure you’re alright. We were quite worried, so I decided to stay with you. I slept on the floor though, no worries.”

And with one last wave, Sander leaves the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is quite uneventful, I know. Leave a comment to let me know what you think, anyway:)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life at the flatshare goes on and so does Robbe's charade.

“I’m going to the grocery store, do you need anything?”, Robbe hears Sander shout from the hallway and seconds later there’s a knock on his door.

With an exhausted sigh Robbe looks away from the laptop on his desk and turns around in his chair. “Come in!”

“Should I fetch something for you from the supermarket?”

Sander looks great, as always. He’s wearing the black skinny jeans again with a black hoodie on top, which somehow doesn’t make him look pale but enhances his golden skin tone. He’s not going to lie, Robbe is a bit jealous because of that. He finds himself always so dull, especially compared to Sander’s glowing skin. However, Sander looks very tired too. It’s probably because he had to work the first shift at the café again and had to attend uni afterward, Robbe’s brain fills in. Even fatigue cannot distort Sander’s beauty.

“… or do you want to come with?”

“Huhh?” Apparently Robbe has been distracted.

“Grocery shopping?”, Sander repeats himself and grins at the younger boy.

“I still need to finish this essay”, Robbe groans. “But I do need some stuff. I’m not sure if I have anything left at all…”

“I can get it for you?”, Sander suggests smiling. Why is he always so nice? Robbe still hasn’t recovered from his embarrassing act last Friday and therefore he’s very self-conscious around his blonde flatmate. 

“Or I could wait for you and we go together in an hour or so?”, Sander says roughly pointing at Robbe’s desk.

This actually sounds like a plan to Robbe. With the prospect of spending time with Sander later, even if it’s just for a mundane ritual like going grocery shopping, he’ll be able to find enough motivation to finish his essay. 

“Just knock on my door when you’re ready”, Sander smiles, apparently having access to Robbe’s mind because Robbe didn’t say a thing, and closes the door behind him.

*

“Thank you, guys, for cooking”, Milan mumbles with his mouth full of pasta. 

“No worries”, Sander replies and Robbe nods along. 

They didn’t prepare anything special, just pasta with vegetables and tomato sauce. It does taste nice though. Also, Robbe is quite content with how his afternoon had turned out. He was able to finish and hand in his essay and went to the store with Sander. They talked about their studies and other, irrelevant stuff, which was nice, and then decided on cooking together. The cooking went well too. It reminds Robbe of how they set up Sander’s shelf last weekend, which is why Robbe can’t help but think that they make quite a good team. To be fair, they’ve only known each other for a week now, but Robbe can’t detect anything unlikable about Sander, which is weird since Robbe is usually very picky about the people he likes.

“Actually, I wanted to talk about something with you two”, Milan interrupts Robbe’s thoughts. 

Sander makes a weird face and concludes deadly serious, “you kick me out of the flat”, before his lips break into a sly grin. “Just kidding, I know I’m super cool and irreplaceable.”

“You’re so full of yourself!”, Milan retorts laughing. “It’s nothing serious though. My parents are coming to see me and they’d like to stay in Antwerp for one night, so they won’t have to drive back to the Netherlands the same day.”

“That’s cool! Are you looking forward to it?”, Robbe asks smiling fondly. 

“Yes, I really am. I haven’t seen them in months. But, is it okay with you when they stay at the flat? I don’t want to ask them to rent a room somewhere.”

“Sure”, Sander nods. “When will they arrive?”

“On Saturday.”

“In two days?!”, Robbe asks dumbfounded. “We should work out a cleaning schedule for tomorrow, then…”

“And Robbe?”, Milan says particularly unsure. Robbe already knows he’s not going to like what comes next. He’s good at reading Milan by now. 

“Could my parents use your room, perhaps? You have a larger bed than Sander and I feel weird giving them my room…”

Generally, Robbe would be okay with that. Generally. But realistically, he doesn’t know where he’s going to sleep then, on the kitchen floor or what? If Jens was still living in Antwerp, Robbe could easily spend the night at his place, but his best friend lives in Utrecht now. Fuck. Maybe he could ask Yasmina… Scratch that. She’s still living with her parents; he surely doesn’t want to intrude.

“It seems like this time you’ll have to stay at my room, then”, Sander grins cheekily and stands up to use the bathroom. Robbe can’t help but stare dopily.

When Sander has left the kitchen, Milan excitedly waves his hands around, before he lets them settle on Robbe’s shoulders. “Apparently, our blondie is flirting with you, Robbe. It’s a shame that all his attempts will go to waste, though... You two would make such a cute couple!”

At this, Robbe’s heart speeds up. Like, a lot. It’s just that he doesn’t know if it’s with excitement or anxiety.

*

On Friday, Robbe finishes his classes at 10am as usual, but chooses to stay at the library to get some work done before the weekend. He hates having to study on Sundays. They’re already so dismal as they come, no need to make it worse with course work.

At 2pm he’s had enough already; 4 hours of studying should suffice. Robbe quickly packs his stuff together and jogs to the cafeteria, hoping to get some lunch so he doesn’t have to cook something at home. 

*

To his luck, it’s already closed. “Fuck”, he grumbles and checks his watch, as if looking at it would magically open the door. He should have gone to the cafeteria earlier, then there would have been plenty of time to finish up his work after lunch. But it’s too late now and there’s no use in dwelling on it. He’ll just have to prepare food at the flat after all.

“Shit!”, he suddenly hears next to him. “I thought they were open until 3!”

Robbe looks to his left. Right next to him stands a pretty girl with dishevelled dirty-blond hair who’s frowning at the sign in front of her. “Aha. ’On Fridays, we close at 1pm’. Great. Why don’t they put this information on the website, where people can actually inform themselves?”

“They probably just want to finish early on Fridays”, Robbe shrugs. “But to be fair, at one point I did know their closing hours by heart.”

“Well, I didn’t”, the girl huffs. She’s really pretty, Robbe thinks. The wavy hair that just reaches her shoulders beautifully frames her lovely face. She’s got a slim face with high cheekbones and thin lips, but her blue-grey eyes seem to outshine small imperfections like her slightly askew nose. The only thing is; Robbe doesn’t feel anything inside him stir to life. She’s gorgeous, but it means nothing to him. Not like it should.

“But still, I’m hungry. Do you want to join me somewhere? We could go to the Chinese place around the corner?”

Wow, Robbe thinks. That was blunt. How does he always attract girls like that? Noor had been the same. He likes it though, the bluntness, it’s better than beating around the bush for days on end. Unfortunately, he doesn’t find her desirable in the way other college boys would, but at least she appears to be witty and smart.

“Sure, why not”, he smiles. At the same time, he’s wondering if this is going to be a huge mistake.

“I’m Louise, nice to meet you”, the girl, Louise, introduces herself. She’s also got slightly crooked teeth, Robbe notices, which is kind of cute. 

“Robbe. Let’s go!”

*

When Robbe returns to his flat, it’s with a new contact added to his phone. Louise has turned out to be very funny and conveniently studied a life sciences Bachelor’s programme. Convenient because Louise offered to help him with his environmental awareness elective.

Robbe doesn’t know why he feels so proud of himself, maybe it’s because society would be proud of him too. In Highschool, Moyo would have given him a brotherly slap on the back while Aaron would have looked at him with big eyes, asking for advice on how to get girls. Simultaneously his new acquaintance weighs heavy on his heart. Deep inside, Robbe knows, he’s leading her on without any other purpose than hiding behind someone he isn’t. It makes him feel sick already. Had he not vowed to himself to never behave the way he did with Noor ever again? And yet, here he is. Robbe feels like an impostor.

From Louise  
Hey! I really enjoyed our spontaneous date today. Let me know when you need any help with your elective course;)

Without clicking on the new message, Robbe reads it and throws his phone on the cushion beside him. She’s too nice. Louise really deserves better. 

Robbe’s inner turmoil had flattened out since Jens moved away. Without the object of desire right in front of his nose, he was better at keeping himself under control. Then, when he had felt ready, he came out to Jens. He felt relieved like never before. Since Jens he hadn’t had a crush; at least until now. With pretty, soft, funny, platin-blond, nose-ring wearing Sander walking into his life, Robbe’s insides turned upside down all over again. For years he had locked that part of himself away. Even for Sander there is no way Robbe is going to let all his previous efforts of hiding go to waste. He’ll have to pretend for a little while longer. Maybe he’ll come out when Uni is over; maybe never.

Determined, Robbe opens Louise’s message and types out a reply.

@Louise  
Me too! Actually, I don’t need help quite yet, but are you free tomorrow night? My flatmate’s parents are about to visit and I could use a night out.

Speaking of Milans parents, Robbe should get started on tidying and cleaning his room.

From Louise  
Sounds good to me. Meet me at 7pm in front of the Zomerbar?:)

@Louise   
Sure! See you then:)

*

On Saturday morning life in the flatshare is wild. Sander and Robbe do their best to clean every corner of the apartment while Milan creates new chaos in the kitchen, preparing brunch for his family. 

When they’re done, Robbe is exhausted. It’s 10.30am and Milan’s parents are about to arrive in half an hour.

“Milan, do you want us to leave?”, Robbe asks.

Milan shrugs nonchalantly, “I don’t care, you can stay here of course, but I didn’t plan for you to join the brunch…”

“I didn’t mean to invite myself”, Robbe laughs, before Sander interrupts him. “You can come with me to the park? I was going to take a few pictures for class.”

“Sure.”

And that is that.

*

After following the blonde boy around like a lost puppy for about two hours, the two decide to take a break and sit down on the lawn. It’s a nice day, so they use their hoodies as a blanket to sit on. 

Today, Sander is wearing light blue jeans again. They’re loser on his legs than the skinny jeans Robbe likes so much, but Robbe finds the boy attractive no matter what, so. Sander’s shirt is black with a white graphic print of buildings on its back and his feet are adorned with white Converse instead of his usual docs. Robbe likes how he can see Sander’s naked ankles now.

“Do you miss living at home?”, Sander asks out of the blue after a while of comfortable silence.

“Uhm”, Robbe hems and haws. “Not really?”

“Why not?”, Sander frowns.

“I haven’t been living with my mother since I was 16 so… I guess I’m used to living with Milan. Also, it wouldn’t work out with me and my mama anyway.”

“Oh. I think you insinuated this at some point already. I’m sorry for asking…”

“Don’t worry”, Robbe smiles. “I love the flatshare! And I’m good with my mama. We’re just not compatible living together.”

“Still, I’m sorry for prying”, Sander repeats his apology.

“You didn’t pry!”, Robbe insists. “What about you though?”

“I like the flat, I like Milan”, Sander grins, “And I like you.” 

Ever since Milan told Robbe about Sander potentially flirting with him, Robbe cannot unsee it. Is he flirting? Seems like it. Or maybe Sander means he likes Robbe as friend? 

“Okay…”, Robbe drags the word out insecurely. “And before that?”

“I had a shared flat with my ex-girlfriend. It was nice until it wasn’t anymore. But it’s fine”, Sander shrugs and moves to lie down on the grass, his caramel sweater beneath his head. Sander’s platin blond hair look beautiful against the green lawn.

“Oh, I’m sorry. When did you split up, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Two months ago?”, Sander replies. “I moved back in with my family and immediately started looking for a new place to stay and tada, here I am!”

The boys share a laugh at that and Robbe decides to lie down too. Then he says, “I’m glad you moved in.”

“I am too.” Sander’s eyes search for Robbe’s. For a second, Robbe feels his heartrate picking up, it’s quite exciting. But then he remembers that he does not like guys. He doesn’t. And even if he did, no hook-ups with flatmates, right? 

So, instead of enjoying the warm sun and the presence of Sander, Robbe sits up, looks at his watch and pretends to be late. “Shit, I have a date tonight and I still need to shower!”

If this statement does anything to Sander, he doesn’t let it show. But when he says “right, let’s go then”, Robbe thinks he detects a mildly put-off tone.

Well done, Robbe! Way to scare away the first boy you like that apparently shows some kind of interest in you too. 

Robbe sighs desperately, gets up from the ground and waits for Sander to pick up his camera. Isn’t keeping Sander at bay what he wanted all along? Robbe is not so sure anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and commenting!! I hope you still enjoy the story:) If you detect any errors, please let me know since English is not my first language.
> 
> Tell me what you think about this chapter, if you want to:)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robbe goes on a date with Louise and shares a bed with Sander. 
> 
> TW in the notes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:  
> Robbe gets kissed without his verbal consent (nothing more happens and they're outside in front of a bar) AND has a panic attack later that night as a consequence. 
> 
> Please don't read if that makes you feel uncomfortable. You can always ask me for a summary instead, if you want to!

The date has been going well so far. Robbe and Louise are sitting in the outside area of the bar, each sipping on their third drink of the evening. Until now, nothing worth mentioning has happened yet. They had been talking about university, parties and free time activities just like small talk on a date is supposed to be. While Robbe told Louise about the flatshare, she told him about her home in the Netherlands. Even though it goes well, Robbe can’t shake the feeling that he’s on edge. Something simply is not right. If Robbe would be honest with himself he would know why he feels so anxious. Instead he tries to ignore the uneasy feeling he has sitting in front if this girl. He can do this.

“Do you maybe want to order some snacks?”, Louise asks nicely, stopping Robbe from zoning out completely. 

He has to contemplate for a moment. It’s around 10 pm and he has already endured 3 hours of this date. No, that sounds too harsh – he did enjoy their time in a way, Louise is nice and funny after all. But he doesn’t mentally feel well. However, Robbe is also a guy that has a hard time saying no, which is why he hesitates answering.

“We don’t have to”, Louise interrupts his thoughts again. “You look tired. Maybe we should continue this another time.”

To Robbe’s relief, Louise doesn’t seem annoyed with him. Not at all. Friendly, but with her usual attitude, she waves over their waiter and suggests splitting the bill. They’re students in the 21st century after all, she doesn’t expect him to pay. 

Later, when they stand at the bike rack in front of the Zomerbar, Robbe has to admit that Louise looks really pretty. Her dirty blond hair is just as wild as when they first met. Her lips on the other hand are coloured in a darker brown-reddish hue. She looks older. Maybe even older than Robbe himself. Why haven’t they talked about their age yet, Robbe wonders.

“I had a really nice time, Robbe”, Louise smiles stepping closer. 

“Me too”, Robbe nods and he’s not lying, he did have fun, in a way. But the closeness makes his heart beat faster. He feels goose bumps covering the back of his neck. Why is he always the one to bring misery upon himself? Why didn’t he just tell Louise that he wasn’t interested like that? She would have understood and he wouldn’t have to pretend – Robbe’s thoughts swirl around in his brain at a breakneck speed.

Louise, completely calm, shuffles closer. “Text me when you’re home”, she whispers. And then she closes the gap between them and lightly kisses the corner of Robbe’s mouth.

Robbe tries his best to mask the twitching of his mouth with a small smile. “Yes, I will. Bye!”

And then he hurries to his bike, mounts it and drives into the night, hoping the cold wind might freeze his running, always running, thoughts. Why does he always seem to be on the run?

*

When Robbe enters the flat he’s shaking. He quickly puts his keys on the shelf next to the front door, takes of his shoes and silently walks in the direction of his room. Just when he’s about to open the door, he’s startled by a deep and loud noise. What the hell? When he hears it again, he facepalms internally. Right, he completely forgot about Milan’s parents that are staying in his room, how can he be so forgetful? The sound must be snoring, he concludes. 

Robbe turns around and instead uses the bathroom first. After brushing his teeth and putting on the shirt that he always uses to sleep in, he walks toward Sander’s room. He’s still shivering. The frequency of his shivers matches his racing thoughts. Should he message Louise and end it right away? Why does he feel so abused? It was just a kiss for god’s sake and he didn’t even try to stop her! Robbe understands that Louise couldn’t have known that he didn’t want her kiss him, but that doesn’t change the fact that he hated it. Not as much as he hates himself for letting it happening though. What a mess!

“Do you plan on coming inside at some point?”, Sanders deep voice suddenly says. 

“Ugh.. sorry”, Robbe mumbles stepping inside and closing the door behind him. Sander sits on his bed, phone in hand, watching Robbe.

“No worries, I just heard you down the hall and when you didn’t enter my room, I wanted to let you know I’m still awake. To let you know you could come in.”

Robbe, still shaking uncontrollably, nods and stands with his phone and clothes in hand in front of Sander’s bed. Unsure, he moves to the desk and sets his stuff down on the chair. 

“I can just sleep on the floor”, he suggests in a small voice. He cannot deal with Sander right now. Or people in general. As if his emotions weren’t all over the place already, sharing a room with Sander has to be the cherry on top. Why can’t he suffer in peace?

“Don’t be ridiculous! We can share my bed.”

At first, Robbe wants to protest but he does not have any strength left to argue. Therefore, he simply breathes out ‘okay’. He isn’t going to turn down Sander’s offer, he’s freezing. “Thank you”, he says.

Sander dismisses him with a wave of his hand. “Anyway, how was your date?”, he asks nonchalantly. Robbe doesn’t know if he’s glad that Sander doesn’t seem grumpy about it anymore or if he actually wants him to be jealous. But he probably imagined Sander’s change in mood at the park earlier today anyway.

Robbe shrugs. “It went alright”, he sighs and sits down at the edge of the bed, trying to conceal his shaking hands. He doesn’t want to talk about it and especially not with Sander, who’s wearing comfy black soccer shorts and a light grey shirt, looking as handsome as ever. Another shiver overwhelms his body. “Do you maybe have a sweatshirt for me? I forgot to bring one from my room…”

“Sure. Just pick one from my closet, left door.”

Robbe chooses the soft baby blue sweater he’s seen Sander wear before and walks toward the bed again. Sander pulls back the blanket, inviting Robbe to slip into bed with him. They both lie down next to each other and try to maintain as much space as possible, which is not much as this bed really is small. Robbe can hear Sander breathing softly. He tries to concentrate on the small puffs of air in order to calm down his racing heart. He doesn’t even know if he’s still in shock from his date or if his heart is beating for Sander right now. 

“How was the rest of your day?”, Robbe decides to break the silence and stares at the ceiling. 

Sander shuffles to laying on his side. “Good. I finished an essay for one of my classes, watched a film, yeah...”

Sander doesn’t sound necessarily unkind but nevertheless a bit distanced. Robbe chooses not to answer. What would he say if Sander doesn’t want to hear it anyway? If only there wasn’t this unspeakable pull toward the blond boy. 

“Your date didn’t go well, did it?”

Robbe inhales sharply. 

“You don’t have to answer. I’m sorry I asked”, Sander mumbles sounding remorseful.

Robbe lets out a shaky breath and turns around so that his back faces Sander. He tries to control his breathing, his heart rate, his thoughts. But the more he wants them to listen to his mind’s orders the less they seem to obey. Robbe starts holding his breath every now and then, trying to listen if Sander has fallen asleep, all the while his body aches from anxiety and his throat starts to constrict. 

The brown-haired boy waits a few more minutes, keeping it together for the mere hope of Sander not witnessing him being weak. When he is sure that Sander is asleep, he lets the first tear fall. He feels so fucking useless, unable to manage his life, unable to say no. He promised himself to never mislead someone like he did with Noor again. Seems like he fucked up. And what for? His heart aches for… for someone he cannot admit he likes. Robbe curls his body into a tiny ball, trying to keep his sobs to a minimum. But he’s a lost cause. Every other second his whole body shudders with another sob escaping his throat. Robbe doesn’t even manage to keep quiet anymore. Instead he sounds like a beaten dog, whimpers sounding from deep inside his lungs. If at least the ache in his chest would lessen with each sob, but Robbe knows from experience that the real pain is just about to start when he’s done crying and his body can relax again.

Thinking about it makes Robbe cry even harder. 

“Robbe?”

The boy suddenly stills. Holding his breath, Robbe doesn’t move at all. When he hears nothing else, he hugs his knees to his chest again. He probably starts imagining things now. Sniffling, he tries to regain control of his breathing.

“Hey, Robbe.” Then there is a light weight on his shoulder. Robbe stills again. 

“Are you okay?”

The only sound Robbe manages to let out is another whimper. He squeezes his eyes together; this cannot be happening.

“Do you need to be alone?”

Robbe can’t bring himself to answer Sander’s soft voice.

“Can I hug you?”

Robbe doesn’t answer either. 

“I am going to hug you now, okay? Tell me as soon as you want me to stop, please.”

Carefully, Sander pushes his left arm underneath Robbe’s head and neck, while his other hand grabs Robbe’s shoulder pulling him back against Sander. The blond boy scoots closer, only his chest occasionally touching Robbe’s body. They’re practically spooning each other.

“Can you come closer?”, Robbe whispers almost inaudibly.

Sander obeys and presses his chest flat against Robbe’s back. In a moment of weakness, Robbe grabs Sander’s hand that lays in front of his chest and presses it to his heart. 

Robbe can feel Sander’s steady breaths moving the hair at the back of his neck. He can sense Sander’s thumb lightly brushing over his hand. He even notices the small metal ring of Sander’s nose piercing grazing his skin. 

When Robbe drifts away into his long-awaited sleep, he doesn’t even notice that the trembling has subsided. 

*

The next morning, they both act as if nothing happened. Even though Robbe feels Sander’s worried glances on his back while he makes coffee, Sander never tries to get him to talk. Robbe is glad about it since he blushes every time he starts to think about how close they slept through the night. Even as they woke up, they still had been sharing a pillow, their legs entangled. This has to be the part that Robbe liked best about this sleeping arrangement; feeling Sanders smooth and warm skin against his own legs. This kind of physical affection was like heaven. Just a small touch was enough to make him feel warm and safe. Robbe wishes he didn’t create such a web full of lies. If he would just come out as gay, he could be himself and shamelessly flirt with Sander. But at the same time, if he would go all in and tell Sander he’s interested, wouldn’t this cause even more pain than hiding? The heartache he’d be bound to endure would be crucial. Robbe doesn’t know if his heart can take another person leaving him.

“Great, you’re making coffee”, Milan exclaims gleefully stepping into the kitchen. “Oh – morning Sander, didn’t see you there”, he adds after detecting their blond flatmate sitting near the window trying to catch some sunlight. “My parents and I are just going to have a cup of coffee before we head out for sightseeing. But they’ll leave after lunch.”

Robbe and Sander both nod in acknowledgement and Robbe fills five cups with steaming coffee. 

“Anyway”, Milan grins and wiggles his eyebrows. “How was your night? Did you enjoy yourselves?”

Robbe can’t hold back an embarrassed snort leaving his throat. In the meantime, Sander starts laughing lightly and says to Milan, “a gentleman never tells. But honestly, I didn’t think my bed was that small before but now I know. It was okay though, right Robbe?”

The last sentence sounded a lot more concerned than the previous ones. It seems like Sander is more worried than Robbe thought. He replies, “yes, it was completely fine.”

“That’s good to hear boys”, Milan smiles devilishly. “Because you’ll have to share the bed again tonight.”

“What?” - “Why?”, Sander and Robbe ask at the same time.

“Because Senne is coming over. Apparently, Gill has a date tonight and she wants Senne out of the flat to… - well you know. So, I kindly invited him to stay at ours. That’s okay, I hope?”

“Of course! That’s more than okay!”, Robbe beams excitedly. He doesn’t see Senne often anymore but he’s one of Robbe’s closest friends, someone Robbe blindly trusts. The brunette can’t help the grin spreading across his face.

“Who’s Senne?”, Sander asks sounding a bit peeved of. 

“He’s the ex-boyfriend of our former platin blonde flatmate”, Milan retorts grinning. “But they separated somewhat peaceful. We love him, he’s always welcome. Just as Zoe… Just not both at the same time.”

Sander nods, resuming drawing in his sketchbook. He’s still in his black shorts, wearing a white fleece on top, and looks delicious. His hair stands up in every direction which makes him seem younger. At the same time, the sun illuminating Sander’s face makes it look very angular and mature – and sexy – Robbe can’t stop staring. To think that those coral-coloured lips had been pressed to Robbe’s neck last night, leaves him dizzy. 

When Robbe’s phone suddenly rings, he is scared silly. Until now, he had completely suppressed his date with Louise yesterday. Dreading reading her name, he slowly grabs his phone. But to his relief, it’s Jens’ name that appears on screen. He quickly waves at his flatmates and leaves the kitchen to got to Sander’s room.

“Jens!”, he exclaims happily. 

“Hey, bro”, Jens replies. “What’s up?”

“Nothing, really. Why are you calling?”

“Do I have to have a reason to be calling you?”, Jens says mock-offended. 

“No of course not.”

“Okay… I did call for a reason. I wanted to ask you about your crush.”

Robbe groans audibly. “Don’t!”

“What is it? Did he find a boyfriend already?”

“No”, Robbe grumbles. “But Milan’s parents are here and him and I have to share his bed.”

“No! Really?”, Jens screams excitedly. “How did it go? Did you kiss? Have sex? Confessed your undying love for each other?”

“Jeeens”, Robbe draws out his name. “No. It was nice… though I’m not sure”, he sighs sadly. “I just don’t know what to do. If I wanted to go after him, how would I even proceed? And how do I start coming out… Oh god.”

“Hey, Robbe, don’t worry too much. Maybe just start with Milan? He’d love to know and help you, I’m sure!”

“Yeah, maybe you’re right”, Robbe nods to himself. “Anyway, do you have a boyfriend yet?”, the brunette asks in a mocking voice, knowing that Jens is straight anyway.

“Actually-“

“No way!”, Robbe breathes out.

“Stop, stop! Let me talk”, Jens laughs.

“I’m all ears”, Robbe says more collected and sits down on Sander’s bed.

“I did tell you about those new friends I made, didn’t I?”, Jens asks and Robbe confirms. “Well, the one I thought you would get along with pretty well… He’s, I don’t know. I – well, I think that maybe I like him.”

“What was his name again?”

“Luc. Lucas”, Jens replies and Robbe can practically hear him smiling. 

“That’s amazing, Jens!” Robbe says. “Are you dating? Or how far does your crush go? Does he like you back?”

“I don’t know, that’s the thing”, Jens whines. “We get along perfectly and he’s the only one out of the group I spend time with alone… but I’m not sure if he likes boys. He’s had girlfriends before.”

“You did too”, Robbe fills in.

“I know… Ugh I don’t know. Maybe I’m just gonna ask Kes about him or something.”

They both chat for a while. Robbe enjoys listening to his best friend. Even though he misses him, it’s kind of nice not to share the same life and tell each other the news instead. During their phone call Robbe cleverly avoids bringing up his date with Louise. He knows that Jens would be the perfect candidate to help him solve this mess but he doesn’t want to admit his mistake out loud. At least not yet. His next step is going to be his outing in front of Milan. And with that he has enough on his plate for now. Every other issue can kindly wait in line.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it! Let me know what you think, if you want to:)
> 
> I'm sorry it took me so long to update but I'm really busy and I never feel good writing fanfiction, knowing I should do something else. I hope you understand. Happy pride month, y'all!!!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! If you want to tell me anything, feel free to comment:) it'll make my day!


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